I Lost Her

Life really gets in the way of what you want to do sometimes. That’s why if you ask anyone they will say “it has to be a lifestyle not a diet.” I really get it more now that I’m older. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted and even didn’t have to worry about the dog at home because my dad would take him out. There are only 24 hours in a day and most of those hours are spent working, driving, cooking, cleaning, laundry, complaining and somewhere in there try to relax and spend quality time with Robert … and then the day is over. Something has to give. It’s really a choice and you cant have it all.

Lately I’ve been trying to learn a new hobby/trade (which I will get into at another time. I am not ready to talk about it yet because apparently I have a problem with telling people I am going to do something and just not end up following through) and now that is taking up some of the little free time I have left, but I enjoy it. It’s relaxing and it feels rewarding because I am creating something. I miss that feeling. I am not meant to sit in front of a computer 8 hours a day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful my bills are being paid and I have a couple extra dollars in my pocket but something (or someone) has to suffer in some way in order to get what you want. In this case I wanted my bills to get paid, pay down my student loans, fix my credit and have my weekends with Robert to do what we want. So I suffer not being a chef anymore and not having my panini shop anymore because my financial situation was more important. I miss it so much but at the end of the day, for various reasons but mainly the location, I wasn’t making enough money.

Here I am 10 days before my 32nd birthday, finally sort of feeling like I am getting my shit together. My credit is finally out of the “very poor” category and is now in the “fair” category. My student loans have been consolidated as of last month. I think I am managing my life pretty well so far. We are almost there but… I’m not happy. There I said it. It’s not the I am not satisfied with what I have and want more…I am just unhappy. I’m stuck in a routine I don’t like and I just get so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. I keep thinking about this YouTube video I saw a while ago because it really made an impression on me. I’m a bit of a YouTube fan and enjoy watching Casey Neistat every so often. I respect him. I have so many videos that need to be edited and thrown on YouTube too but just can’t find the time to fit it in…or won’t? That’s something I need to re-visit with myself later. Anyway, he posted this video called Millionaire YouTube Sellout which he stated how people called him a sellout, but it was his dream and he achieved it. Then he goes on about ambitions and when you get older your reality sets in and your ambitions/dreams usually get set aside or put on the back burner. Just watch it, its only 5 min and 45 seconds. Don’t let me ruin it by re-telling something that was so inspiring and perfectly said by him.

So, what were my dreams? The sad answer is that I don’t know anymore. They have been shoved in the back of closet and covered with boxes to never see the light of day ever again that the only thing I pray for is to be happy again. I forgot what it was like to be a dreamer, a creative as hell wild child with a free spirit that just packed up and moved to Italy for a semester abroad or the internship in Vegas at one of Mario Batali’s restaurants. Where did that girl go? Well for one I am still stuck paying for her in my student loans. In my 20’s I was on a journey to find myself and learned that I had to create her. I tweaked and molded until she was something I liked but somewhere along the way, I lost her and I really want her back.


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