You Just Have To Want It Bad Enough

Cruise Countdown: Day 21
46 Days To Go

Why am I not skinny? Why am I not in better shape? How did I let myself get this big? The best answer is I just don’t want it bad enough. I wanted to eat the extra slice of pizza more than I wanted to still fit into my jeans. I wanted that instant gratification of the palate more.

I was driving home from work the other day feeling so hungry and it brought me to think how proud of myself I was for last week for not going to the store and buying a bag of chips or the macaroni and cheese or whatever other crap I usually stuff my face with during lunch. I felt so proud of myself at the self control I’ve demonstrated. But what changed? Why after all this time of whining, complaining and coming up with excuses, did I now finally exhibit the self-control I keep talking about and keep wanting to have?

sex and the city run wild.jpgI like to tell the story about how I finally quit smoking. When I met Robert it was like coming home. The clouds parted, the heavens shined bright and the angels were singing and all that corny stuff. Bottom line I finally met him. I finally met that guy that made me change my mind about everything. That made me want to have kids and a wedding and the whole 9 yards. I finally found the one that I can run wild with. You know the one that Carrie Bradshaw would talk about in Sex and the City.

Suddenly the desire to smoke completely diminished. It still took me a month or two to finally quit it completely but when I was with him I forgot that I wanted to and after over 10 years of smoking that was it it took meeting the man of my dreams and  two months later I finally quit for good. And I haven’t touched one since. It really feels so good to know that I have accomplished what so many people struggle with. I learned in one of my college classes that it is the most addicting substance and the hardest to quit and I did it!

So for the past year I’ve been going on and on about wanting to lose weight and getting back in shape. I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t want it but the reality is I want to slice of pizza. I kept writing list after list of reasons why I should lose weight. I want to look nice in photos on our cruise, in photos for our engagement, wedding, be healthy when I get pregnant, and just stay healthy because Lord knows how bad it is for you to be is overweight as I am. Those are all such great reasons and it should be enough for me to just get on the work out tip and just lose the weight already. Obviously those have been in my mind for a long time so you think I would choose the salad over the big dish of pasta every time right? I don’t have to tell you how emotional eating is to some people. But I will tell you news that I have learned at the beginning of this week that may have affected my decision making.

I took a walk across the office to say hello to Natalie. She’s the paralegal of another attorney in the building I work in. I was complaining about my neck and back as usual as she is handling my case for the motorcycle accident. That reminded her to let me know that my MRI results came in and she began to read them to me. I already have a herniated disc in my lower back from several years ago but since the motorcycle accident and I felt like the pain came back as if it were brand-new along with the rest of the pain I’ve been feeling. I won’t bore you with all sorts of technical terms because I don’t even know what they are LOL. But I have a new bulging disc below the existing herniated desk, the existing is almost gone and the bones are almost touching, two herniated disc’s on my neck and one bulging disc in between the two. There’s also something about muscle spasms causing my neck to do something else causing the severe headaches  I’ve been having. Then she told me that when we go see the doctor he’s probably going to suggest Cortisone injections. Nope no way, I am not going to get those injections. I turned them down last time and I’m going to turn them down again because they don’t work! And they are just going to pollute my body even more.


That brought back the memory of the first time I was told I had the herniated disc several years ago. The doctor suggest the injections or surgery. I asked him what else could I do to help alleviate the pain because I did not know one person that had the injection and it worked. He just looked at me and said “well honey you’re a little overweight, maybe you should work out and lose weight.”

Some people keep running into a wall over and over until they finally get it, and usually a significant amount of damage has already been done. Well… that’s me! Now I have to try even harder because of the pain and … age really isn’t on my side anymore. I don’t want to but Robert insisted that I do a weigh in tonight. I have to have made some progress in 21 days. I’ll post it tonight.


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